wouldn't be / my choice
(don't be surprised)
I have some good news!
(don’t be surprised)
I know it’s not
what you
would have done, in my place
I know
Aunt so-and-so
has choice words and views
about how this is all unfolding
(they did what? with who? now, really…)
That passed loved ones
wouldn’t understand or choose
but their life wouldn't be mine
to decide, either
and to me, that sounds like
good news
Back of the Page
I’m starting a new job this week, in a completely new area that I’ve never worked in before, and it has me thinking about sharing good news. Not the expected linear kind…promotion at existing job! bigger house in better neighborhood! No, no: the out-of-left-field, really? kind, that makes you want to pre-empt it with “don’t be surprised.”
How can we support each other when friends and family members make life choices we don’t understand (or “wouldn’t choose” ourselves), when it feels like growth for them? How can we help people feel connected and included in our lives, with boundaries that protect us when we’re feeling fragile, just starting something new?
In my case, I’m starting a new job delivering mail by bicycle in my neighborhood! I’ll be outside, in my community, doing a something useful. I’m excited about it! Although, there’s that voice again… “that wouldn’t be my choice” - prospective Landlords, acquaintances, even best friends and parents - some say it out loud, but even if they don’t, I get the feeling it’s there.
I get it! Being a mail carrier is different for anyone that has an image of me in mind already - and that requires them to update their model. I’m not quite sure how we all do that, anyway, but it may go something like this:
- What are they telling me? Who, What, Where, Why, and When is this happening?
- How do they feel about this? Are they safe, happy, scared, eager?
- How does this affect me or change our relationship? Will I see them again?
- How can I possibly understand this change? Would I make the same choice, if I were them? Do I need to protect them from something? (Isn’t it dark and rainy most of the year, here? does he know what he’s getting himself into?)
- Can I learn something about myself if I understand why they decided this?
I learned this when we decided to sell everything and move countries a few years ago. Some family members did start with “it’s not what I’d choose” or “[passed loved one] wouldn’t understand it” - even if these sentiments ended in support eventually, the fact that they start from this place of questioning our decision felt confusing, like the first reaction to good news is a lack of trust and doubting agency.
But, really, it was their initial reaction to the feelings of:
- “will I see them again? what will this mean for us?”
- “are they going to be safe? what about the kid’s school?!”
- “how will I understand them enough to explain to anyone else that asks me? will this reflect poorly on them or me in some way if I say the wrong thing?”
Those underlying feelings of doubt and a desire to keep the status quo came to the surface in a tidy bow as “that wouldn’t be my choice” because it is HARD to make space to feel all of that, for someone you love. It’s also challenging as the person making the change to feel responsible for giving all of that context - like wrapping up a lifetime of dandelion seeds in a neat package for anyone to understand at-a-glance: here you go!
Maybe this is why people you’ve never met are eager to support and accept you where you are today, because there’s no shared past, identity story, or status quo to maintain between you.
Last week, I tried this out by floating the good news to a fellow parent I had just met at the kid’s school. After he heard the news, he paused, then with the kindest eyes he said “it sounds like you really value your time, and know what you want to do now. that’s great.”
Sometimes, we want to share the good news with a complete stranger first, and work our way up to friends and family. I told my Brother’s family, who was very supportive and excited for me. My kids think I’m going to be a Busy, Busy Town Character, I’m sure. Now, for the rest of the family and friends…I know it’s a long journey, trying to understand each other.😌
I think it’s great that past loved ones wouldn’t have understood what I am doing - and that extended relatives wouldn’t make the same choices I am. It means I am free to try something new, when the other ways aren’t working for me. And so are they. That’s something we can all understand.
🌱
Thank you to Caroline (from Talking to Myself) for writing “the glass child” and the subsequent Notes about their extended family’s reaction to honesty, vulnerability, and making life choices out in the open. It inspired me today when I was feeling like sharing “good news” with strangers first.
Caroline