Keep Going!

The bristle

“Thanks for sending me the poem. Keep going!”
Keep…going?
Is that, like, “you’re not quite there, yet?”
or more like a “bring it on, I can’t get enough!”
that’s a generous way
of interpreting things, isn’t it?
maybe it’s somewhere between
purposefully left open-ended

Yoda nodding from the Dagobah swamp
much to learn, this one has
mmmhmmm
the subtle laugh of an ascended master
frustratingly vague
and somehow threatening
but probably right, anyway

what did he see that I didn’t?
what did he mean, by “keep going!”
and why do I care what he thinks, anyway?
why did reading that email
feel like finding a splinter
feedback slid right through the mail slot, with no filter
map updated with a new quest marker
I didn’t ask for
or did I?

let’s rewind the tape:
I thanked him for inspiring me
Asked him to read a poem of mine (geez)
he did, and even replied
and still something inside me
is bristling
why?

It never ends, does it?

At four in the morning
this memory washed over me.
My reaction to “Keep going!”
Why do I hate it so much, whenever I hear it?
From friends, family, or acquaintances - it’s all the same.
They probably mean the best, right? Have good intentions.
But to me, the words get jumbled up into “You’re not there yet, pal”
Like something they read rubbed them the wrong way, fell short
comparing me to some higher standard I haven’t reached yet.
Why do I have to keep going, exactly?

Then, I was carried in on a wave.
People can sense when you’re placing them
in a position of judgement, over you.
It’s subtle, but there.
You can feel it
when others have done the same, to you.
What if “keep going!” is a gift
a stepping outside of judgement?
A subtle nod to “it never ends”

It never ends?!
What? I just got here
Did you see the wave I rode in on?
It was weeks of paddling out and waiting
I was obsessed, dedicated, and eventually caught it!
Kept my balance as it carried me the whole way here
and now you’re telling me to get back out there
and “Keep Going?!”

(just to confirm: no comments or thoughts on the most recent wave? ok, got it)

I’m starting to think expecting external validation
is not going to satisfy me, long-term
Those pats on the back felt nice, though

The next wave has it

Then it hits me:
I don’t even really celebrate or sit with each wave, do I?
I’m usually back out there, looking for the next one, right away

Buying an engagement ring is the most important thing I’ll ever do in my life
Reaching this milestone in my relationship will be…
Seeing my kid enjoy…
Finishing this po-

If only I can get across this next finish line
this next high
my life will have meaning.

It’s how we relate to others, too
Compare and contrast, we learn that early
I didn’t catch anything today! He always gets the good ones!

or that friend who launches into their story
after you share something personal
skipping over your experience and sharing how it “reminds them” of their own life
both of you feeling unheard and unseen, and now in some subtle competition

it’s easy to blunder when we’re looking at the next wave
or over-identify with it
like a sports car with a vanity plate
“I’m that one Wave Guy, you remember…”
the posturing of a rap beef, elbows out to be The Greatest
buying a social media company and turning it into a tree-house club
or building Dong Rockets to discover and exploit new wave-spaces no one’s even seen yet

inventing ways to plant flags on the ocean
and drilling until we can’t anymore
spending way too much time in the character creation screen
before the game even starts
what represents my unique expression
and how to create a perfect reflection
for others to appreciate

I’m doing it now, aren’t I?

this is getting long, bare with me

You did it!

At five in the morning
I notice my daughter’s “You did it!” participation award
displayed prominently in our kitchen

They earned it for participating in a shoe-lace tying competition.
A way for the school to encourage independence in the kid’s care routines.
They were so happy to show us that they earned it, and we displayed it proudly
We felt the importance emanating, and mirrored that importance back to them, genuinely.

Participation awards get a bad rap
I guess because they’re not zero-sum, like most things in America
Maybe someone needs to lose, badly, for our culture to celebrate a winner
But, part of me wonders
if they are the key to saving our species

Participation awards for billionaires:
“You did it!” you don’t have to buy Twitter
“You did it!” you don’t need to exploit every corner of the land and sea for profit
“You did it!” you don’t need to discover and colonize entire galaxies to start over as a God and justify it as saviorship
“You did it!” you found meaning in your faith and do not need to subjugate, repress, or convert others

The list goes on…

Maybe this is the end-game for AI: it realizes the only thing that will slow down our self-destructive tendencies is an omniscient being handing out participation awards.

If I’ve reached this conclusion, I hope it’s at least already considered this, rather than optimizing mining extraction plans for our natural resources or attention.

If so, I expect the award by end-of-day.

Life is swell, past the break

Maybe one day we’ll reach a point outside the break
Hearing the tumble-crash and froth pounding the shore
The screams and shouts of surfers riding, bailing out sideways
That slow float of a giant, paused at the top, in ecstasy
before toppling over, as the ride comes to a full and complete stop.

Out here, we’ll feel the tug of the next wave forming beneath us.
Familiar to the others we’ve taken before.
We’ll let the line-up take the good ones in.
“All you” we’ll say, with grace
Like a parent at a kid’s birthday party
or grandma at their grandkid’s wedding
taking everyone by surprise at the first dance
and then smiling at the edge as 10pm rolls around
content to watch something new unfold
without needing it to be about her, anymore

On that day a dolphin will come out and meet me
Fin sliding smooth on dark glass
We’ll say “Stopping is an illusion”
because “Keep Going!” can be annoying
when you’re always being carried somewhere else

As the dolphin disappears, I look out on deep ocean
bobbing, buoyed between sets
I’m waiting for the random wave, off-cadence
to come and take me in

I think I’ll know which one’s for me

🌊

Whew! That was an extra long one, this week. For me, at least.

It really did wake me up at 4am, and now it’s almost 7am. So that’s one wave in three hours. Not a bad day out there.

I would like to thank my first paid subscribers, Sue, Angie, and Isabel, and all of you for believing in my work and supporting me. It’s cliche, but thanks mom (first!) - I’m very grateful for the encouragement, in any form that it’s taken! It’s been a fun four months of writing on Substack, and last night, I enabled paid subscriptions.

For paid subscribers, I’m going to be offering more behind-the-scenes personal stories about my Songs (two of them releasing in the next few weeks). One for Mother’s Day and one I wrote and recorded Friday in response to the college student demonstrations. I’m also going to be sharing the ebook I’m releasing this year for subscribers. So if that interests you, please consider upgrading!

…and to anyone hyper-focused on riding their current wave, remember: stopping is an illusion. 😄